I just went to my seminar for my second internship yesterday. It was an all day affair of course and boring. I had to drive an hour and 40 minutes in horrible traffic down the express way to get to St. Pete. I was in a minor accident, thankfully nothing worth stoping over I just got a tiny paint transfer on the bumper due to a jackass pulling in front of me when we are all going 70 on the express way!!!!, anywho this was also a poignant time for me because last time I attempted the internship I sort of fell apart from the inside.
I completed my first internship sucessfully. It was k-5 and I was in a second grade classroom and I loved the school, my kids and my cooperating teacher we got along great and had chemistry and I was stoked for my second one which is 6-12 so middle or high and ESE. I got a highschool ESE class and after maybe two weeks in it became a chore to go in. I didn't think the teacher I was paired with was a good teacher, I hated the paraprofessionals working in the classroom and I HATED my supervisor who was brand new to the program and didn't know what the hell to do wouldn't even attempt to come to seminars for us to talk to her because she lives far away! I live farther than she did to St. Pete.
Anyway, I would say this is when my anxiety really began win. I was constantly on a battle with my anxiety and trying to just STOP with everything but its an illness unfortunately and not normal jitters or being nervous its something I began to have all the time and it took me getting together with my boyfriend to admit that yes I do have a problem and this is absolutely not normal behavior to have. I used to dread for Wednesday to come around because then I would have to go back to that school and pretend that I wasn't dying inside and working with kids, whom I loved, but knew that my attempts didn't matter. It didn't help that my supervisor was always constantly on me, criticized me for everything and was basically against me working and going to school. I was told that it was an excuse and it shows that I am not commited to my schooling when I had to leave early one day to go into work. After that I sort of just gave up. I had a panic attack after a phone call to her where she told me these things and had a trip to the hospital because I wasn't calming down and my blood pressure was through the roof.
This was last Spring around March. I was halfway done with the internship too and I had 3 other classes I was attending and I had a moment of ephiphany where I decided that I can't keep doing this to myself. I had NEVER in my life ever dropped a class. I was always dead set focused on finishing school in the shortest amount of time. This fall I was supposed to be in my last internship than graduate but I took a step back and decided that I am not getting anything out of this experience but pain, it was causing me to reconsider my career choice and second guess my ability to do this.
Which, FUCK THAT. I'm sorry but NO person of higher statue that is a TEACHER no less should EVER make a student feel like that ever. I am not one to belittle people or call people names but she is a bitch and I will 100% stand by my word on that for what she did.
However, I have to thank her because without that I don't think I would have really begun to think of myself first. I dropped out of the class, finished my other ones and took a break until now where I am attempting to do it again this time with new everything and a better mindset going into it. I am a lot more confident in what I do and that I am going to do even better than my first one.
Sorry about this reflective post I was just thinking about how far I've come and wanted to really write it out. I promise I will do more fandom related posts for sure.
Let me ask you guys this though,